Uncatagorized

why i love the song: The List

setiap baitnya kayak ngomongin diri sendiri. kebiasaan “melarikan diri” dari hal-hal yang sebenernya lebih penting, terus bilang ke diri sendiri “oke, ntar dulu, yang itu nanti dulu. kita liat ini dulu sebentar. aku bakal cape kalau kesitu.” padahal dengan kaya gitu aku malah memperpanjang rasa sakitnya. toh, mau dihadapin nanti, besok, atau lusa, bakal sama aja. bakal sama sama sakit. jadi jangan lari lagi. jangan kabur lagi. kalau kamu sedih, ya, wajar. kalau ada orang yang ada di posisi kamu, orang itu juga bakal sedih. tapi usaha kamu yang masih bangun tiap pagi. masih mencoba membuat orang “merasa” padahal kamu sendiri ga ngerasain apa-apa. semoga ada saatnya di suatu pagi kamu bangun, dan ngerasain sesuatu. suatu pagi dimana kamu sadar kalau masih ada sesuatu yang pantas ditunggu disini. maaf ya, dunia ini ngecewain kamu terus. padahal kamu dari awal berjuang terus. ga pernah ngeluh, pasti selalu memendam sendiri karena ga mau ngebandingin apa yang kamu rasain dengan apa yang orang lain alami. pasti ngerasa kalau yang kamu rasain itu ga penting. padahal hal itu nyata, hal itu buat kamu sakit, dan kamu berhak sedih.

aku tahu gak ada yang pernah bilang gini.
dan juga, gak ada yang pernah lewatin situasi ini.

makasih ya udah selalu mau mencoba.

Favorite Poet

a heartwarming letter from a friend

aku ngga tau cara mendefinisikan perasaan “istimewa” pada seseorang, tapi sedikitnya aku jadi paham setelah satu kalimatmu ketika di kos teman kita itu berhasil masuk di kepalaku: kita ngga bisa milih kepada siapa dan bagaimana perasaan itu tumbuh.

demikian pula akhirnya aku paham, beberapa tahun terakhir perasaan itu yang membuat kamu berusaha sekuat-kuatnya.

aku merumpamakannya seperti hari, di mana hari senin, selasa, rabu, kamis, kamu memilih menghindar supaya perasaan itu pelan-pelan bisa reda. aku ingat teman-teman yang kamu percaya seketika jadi pengalih perhatian paling jago supaya kehadiran dia seperti angin. sebenarnya ada, tapi tidak terlihat.

celakanya, di hari jumat. dia bertindak seolah apa yang kamu dulu perjuangkan terbalas. dan itu membingungkan.

aku ngga tau apa yang terjadi di hari sabtu dan minggu. tapi apa yang terjadi di hari jumat itu mungkin menjelma bayang-bayang di kepalamu. pasti capeknya lebih terasa, karena harus menghadapi bayang-bayang itu sendirian.

mungkin semua kesulitan itu yang membuat aku ngga sengaja mendengar kalau kamu jadi meragu dengan diri sendiri.

seperti menghitung-hitung segala yang ada di dalam diri supaya bisa menangkan perdebatan terhadap pikiran sendiri, perihal pantas atau tidak pantas, kamu sebagai perempuan mendapat perasaan yang sama tulusnya seperti apa yang kamu upayakan di tahun-tahun terakhir ini.

seandainya bisa menelisik jauh ke dalam pikiran mu, aku akan jadi pembela. aku mau pikiranmu dengar ini dengan jelas:

seberapapun hasil yang kamu dapatkan dalam hitung-hitungan itu. mungkin perhitunganmu keliru jika hasilnya tidak sama seperti apa yang aku dan teman2mu ini simpulkan,

bahwa segala yang ada dalam diri kamu tidak kurang, pun bukan sekadar cukup, kamu lebih dari cukup.

supaya pikiran itu akhirnya percaya,

“I’m gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well.
This is a big world, that was a small town.”

supaya pikiran itu mau percaya,
bahwa akan ada
yang lebih gigih usahanya,
yang tidak membalikkan badan padahal belum pernah mulai langkah pertamanya,
yang lebih tulus tutur dan sikapnya.
yang bisa lihat kamu dalam pandangan terbaik.

mungkin upaya untuk mempercayai butuh waktu. tapi untuk saat ini, pikiran itu hanya perlu tahu, kalau kamu ngga berjalan sendirian untuk selesaikan masa lalumu, karena teman-temanmu akan menemukan cara untuk menyusul perjalananmu.

 

selamat ulang tahun, deena

 

 

written by:

Fadhilah Aliyah

Journal

a memory in the back of my thoughts has no power to hurt me

my friend asked,
“when you click that number
and you heard that voice,
what do you expect?
what do you want him to say?
to help you?
to comfort you?
to go above and beyond protect you,
and take all of the words that he poured?
let alone, to be soft to you?”

the sad thing is—sometimes we all have these buried expectations at the back of our minds for people, and we don’t even know that they (those thoughts) exist in the first place.

and it’s just expectations.

so now listen to me.

he’s not going to help you.
he’s not going to comfort you
he’s not going to go above and beyond to protect you,
nor take all of the words that he carelessly poured to hurt people.
he’s not going to be soft to you.
and deep down you know.
you know.
so now tell me.
when you click that number,
and his voice replied.
you’ve been asking this to yourself.
what is it really that you’re looking for?

Poems

In My Dreams I Stopped Talking to You

you in my dreams
a little different this time
furious, woke up, then told a friend
“get a hold of yourself!”
one thing that i was sure of
was that i didn’t want to see your face

thinking of how it’s been weeks
since i don’t talk of you
it’s kind of funny
the song you sent to hurt me
has been putting me to sleep lately
friday nights sharing my favorite music
put them in a box and a ribbon on top
so they don’t have to remind me
of some overlooked 11:11 messages
so the stories could continue
so they don’t have to tell about me
not anymore

one finneas song and a smile
i was too naïve
you were against everything i used to believe
i was so obsessed of running away
but luckily these days
i looked at the past in all sincerity
got the warmth that i needed
reassurance that i wanted
all this time alone has reminded me
of how i’ve always wanted to feel
i never got those things
when you were beside me

i don’t know why it took so much time
to simply understand
that you’re bad for my heart
as you were the one
who was always waiving all the signs
“but i can’t feel your energy,
no more,
no more,
no more.”

for all the circles that i kept
for all the sisters i have
aliyah comes by and sits around
you would swear that girl can read your mind
she figures it out before you sometimes
and she writes,
“when you find yourself,
thinking about it again
don’t beat yourself up
you haven’t failed
it’s because you memorized the book,
every paragraph, all by heart. “

i’ve let myself down a lot in love
but all my efforts do count
i waited so patiently this time
track one lover
sounds more of a sweet triumph
all the sentimental parts
were necessary to keep us alive
and i will tell you that
nothing’s done with love
will ever be a waste of time
and the ones with the bigger hearts
have never lost in a battle like mine

Journal

a love letter: being my own muse

she knows how to love.

but she always gets so hesitant when it comes to show a little affection and some understanding to herself. she knows how to kindly respond people that are a little too evil sometimes, but she always believes that everyone is good when you really try to see them.

as she begins to say, “if i were in their shoes..”

she has a thousand words ready to be thrown from her pocket, never takes another second to paint someone’s else day with whatever colors you like. she writes about the good things that she wants other people to feel. she wakes up a little early or takes some time of her bed time to write you the words that could bring you to sleep with a content heart. she’s not asking for a reply. just a nod and a smile and sometimes a phone call could already make her feel seen and it’s more than enough.

as she begins to shake, “is this a little too much?”

she never takes anyone else’s failures to feel better about herself. she’s a full time lover. she finds it hard to quit a love that’s grown apart from her sometimes. she’s a friend. she still tries to be a better friend. she always tries to be there for everyone, to be present. she wants to find more love songs this year, it’s the only thing her heart desires.

as she begins to cry.

i wish nothing more for her than to take few steps back and listen to whatever emotions that she feels right now. i want her to know that she still hasn’t felt all the emotions in the world, and that she still hasn’t found all of the songs that she might love if she hears it in her favorite coffee shop. i want her to understand that there’s a day that it’s not yesterday, today, or tomorrow, but there will be a day where she will feel understood again. there are so many things that she still needs to learn. to be open. to be brave. to believe in herself more. to be a better lover. and the list goes on and on.

but starting from today, i also want her to understand that she, too, can be a little softer to herself.

i know that i’ve had my ups and downs loving you, cheering for you.

but i’m always going to give it a try.