Journal

I don’t promise you that I’ll be okay this time. In fact, I never did

It disgusts me that some people might think that I'm doing fine – and it disgusts me even more that some people might think the otherwise. I have been spending all the time that I have trying to find some peace and quiet in my mind. If you ask me why, I don't know. This time I really don't know. Dreams? Last hope? Lies? Truth? Expectations? Reality? I guess everything is just not where it should be. And thank you for all those people who might think that I'm not doing fine – but the truth is the world doesn't need more people like you. The world doesn't need more people who see life through their rose-tinted glasses either. She doesn't need us. We could just destroy ourselves. After all.

One of my friends from the course that I used to go to talked to me few days ago. Been quite a long time. He asked me of where I went. Fast forward – he did bring me down. Isn't it nice how a person who barely talked to you at all decide how you’re gonna end without even trying to know at least a piece of the story? I'm not letting them to see the ending – oh no – I just needed them to be nice. Isn’t that what the world needs? But when you do it you have to make sure that you don’t end up making people think that it's okay to bring others down.

 

Is it enough to breathe?

 

Is it enough to die?

 

Is there a pity for the plain girl?

 

I have been trying to keep myself busy reading books, listening to music, reading other people's writings or even their journals. I've been loving my escapes. And I feel afraid. Cause I really loved and hated the time I was out there living out of my comfort zone and I feel the need to be afraid that I won't let myself grow. You see – it's just I love me – and I miss me. But for now I need anything to keep me away from thinking about what's going on around me. Anything to stop me from thinking. I don't know if I could bear the thoughts this time. I don't know if I could go out there again and start it all over. I don't know if I wanted this. I could've chosen the alternatives. So obsessed thinking of what might happen if I take it another way. And of course I do deserve it. That is the main reason why I’m telling you this. And I’ll let you do whatever you want. Judge me. Bring me down. You should've. You could've. This time I promise I'll let myself down.

 

Because I know

 

I

 

let

 

people

 

down.

 

And I care.

 

As much as I said how much I don't care you know I do

 

I feel like I know what Chris Martin meant when he wrote the line

 

"when you get what you want, but not what you need."

 

In fact that’s exactly how I want to feel. It's nice to finally know what exactly you're feeling other than having no clue at all.

 

There was a time back then where I asked one of my friends "Have you ever been in one of those days, where you feel nothing at all? Like you're not happy, you're not sad. It's just blank. Empty. You just keep on craving for a feeling."  she said she’s been there and she also said that it wasn't a good thing at all. It's better to feel – but like I said to you earlier, my friend, I don't know if I could bear the thoughts this time.

 

But I do now.

 

And my friend, have you ever craved for a place like – home – but when you're supposed to be there, you're not really there?

 

is there something more?

 

that could somehow belongs to me?

 

out there?

 

I told them to cry themselves out tonight. I told them to just let all the stars and the moon watch them being honest with themselves – with how they need feel. I told them that there is nothing as beautiful as letting yourself feel like how a human being should be.

 

Lost.

 

Terrified.

 

Craving for place so warm yet such thing won't exist unless you let it be

 

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