Introduction

life is good and change is pretty fantastic

I started this blog when I was an 11th grader in high school. Now I’m currently on my first year being a university student and I feel like things have changed so much since then. When I first started this blog – I only wanted this to be a place where I wrote my fictitious writings like poems, short stories, etc. But as the time went by, I’ve also been writing lots of my own journals, reviews of things like music, tv shows, etc which I really love to do cause it’s always been one of the things that I do to improve myself  by trying to make sense of everything I see or hear.

Continue reading “life is good and change is pretty fantastic”

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Introduction

Hello

(05/08/2016)

Hello, nice to meet you.

I don’t know how to make such perfect arranged paragraphs for you to understand me because no one does and neither do I, but first thing about me I do remember things that I want to remember and forget things that I want to forget. Sometimes, I think those girls are dumb for letting the same thing make them sad over and over again. I do remember exactly my favorite song that I used to listen when I was in kindergarten, the time when my dad was always waiting for me outside the school gate because if I couldn’t see him standing there under the tree from the window in my class, I would’ve cried so hard and from there, the annoying sound of me crying would make my teachers tried their best to calm me down but always failed (no matter what) and it always ended up with them calling my dad to pick me up. I do forget about some physics formula(s) that my teacher taught me two days before because I just don’t like to remember them unless exams are here. I love biology. I love understanding how things work so complex yet wonderfully amazed by it. Like I said, I don’t understand myself and perhaps biology helps me a bit to understand some things about myself in other perspectives.

I don’t close my eyes when I get scared. I’ve always loved watching those horror movies, since they have always been my favorite because they made me focus and scared and forgot about the things that I need to do on my to-do-list for a while. They’re good escape. Even though there are some concequences that I get when the night comes. If I’m in dormitory, I’ll ask one of my friends to accompany me when I want to go to the toilet or if I’m home, I’ll ask my housemaid to wait outside the bathroom and not my mother because she would’ve mad at me and started telling me that the thing I was scared of doesn’t exist. I’m not sure she’s sure about what she said that time, though. The next day after that, If I see a new horror movie shows up in cinema, I’ll ask if anyone wants to accompany me to watch. If no one does, I get sad. But if someone’s willing to then we go together and right when the movie starts, I close my ears. Yes, I think I close my ears when I get scared. Whether it’s a horror movie or if anything that makes me feel nervous is happening or when my dad tells me stories about the accident he saw on the streets, I close my ears. I think the sounds make everything worse than how it really is. Or it’s just me being in love with soundless moment that people call silence. I think it makes me feel very secure.

I get nervous a lot, I think a lot, and I get anxious a lot. So many people told me not to overthink everything but that’s just how I like to think and every time I think, in school I think, in bathroom I think, in my last minutes to sleep I think and even in my dreams I think. Many people said that it’s not good because I’ve always ended up torturing myself with thoughts of things that never even happen, but that’s true, and wrong at the same time. It makes me do things carefully. I really love making notes of things that I want to do so I don’t have to write it on my mind anymore. I guess the worst part of being an overthinking person is I even get nervous of an exam that is coming in the next three weeks.

I love reading books, and writing as you can see, and I don’t know why I put those two things in one sentence, but people always say that they are connected to each other. If you love reading, then you must love writing and if you love writing, then you must love reading, but that’s not true because a senior that I really admire loves writing but he only reads sometimes. I think start from now we shouldn’t write this ‘people say’ in this writing because they’re not always right. I’ve loved reading since I was in elementary school. My brain gets excited every time my favorite series release a new version of its stories. I bet if I mention the name, you’ll know it but they don’t pay me to write their names here so I won’t. Books always have the power to make me smile, laugh, and cry, and they are such good lullabies. My parents never read me to sleep in my childhood because when I went to sleep, my mom hasn’t arrived from her office, and when I woke up she’s already gone to her office. My dad was doing his own job as well. I don’t care as long as he still smiles and laughs with me.

I have been in love since I was in kindergarten. This first sentence makes me giggle, but I’m not lying to you. My mother who started it all. She mocked me everytime the boy passed in front of us at school, and I just smiled the whole time because I liked him, cause he was cute. But we never talked since I was only 5 years old that time, and I was the most shy girl that you would ever find in my school that time. Then when I got in to elementary school, I understood love a bit. I’m not talking about that girl who asked her boy friend (friend) to the toiet and innocently said “Let’s kiss!”, and I think my dad or mother saw that too, and reported them to the teacher. That was the craziest thing to do in my age, even my teacher ever told me when we were learning about reproductive system in 6th grade that the boys saliva contains sperm so when they kiss you, you’ll probably get pregnant. It’s good to take care and tell your students how to behave, but that is such one of the biggest lie that I’ll never forget in my whole life. And in my last year there, there was this one boy who wrote my name on the class window that was covered by thick dust, written there my name and his name separated with a love symbol which I didn’t understand at all. When I was in my mother’s office, using the free wifi, he talked to me on my facebook, and said ‘Do you want to try?’ he said asking me to be his girlfriend which was kind of awkward but it made me giggle though I said no because 1) I didn’t like him 2) my friends or you can say my gangster at school would have been mad. So I said no. He even tagged me on a love song lyrics that he posted on facebook. The song was not sweet, by the way. It sounded like a boy who is in love and says that the girl musn’t worry about what other people say or think, at least he’s happy. That song has been written in my most-hated-song lists since then. I didn’t know such selfish song about love does exist. The next day I told my friends about it and they all went mad and talked to him. Him alone. And me and my friends. He cried in front of everyone. Trust me, I still feel guilty every time, but I hope he’s fine with me now. But after that he really hated me, and called me names, and made some really rude comments about how I looked. I think he had done his revenge back then.

When I got into junior high school, life’s changed for the better. Lots of things happened between those years, but something happened, and it’s not my story so I’m not writing them down here. Let’s just assume there’s a gap there. So I fell in love with books more, and more, and more. I was the most quiet girl in my class, and I only studied when its needed, and I read novels, and novels, and played twitter, and made a new life there. I think pretty much I’ve learned my writing skills of complaining about life there and also being friends with strangers and only have couple of friends in real life. It makes me sad everytime I think about how my life in junior high school was like, because I wasn’t using it right instead I was even wasting it. But hey, I had the time to fall in love. He was a bassist in the school band, and nope he wasn’t that pretty, but good-looking, perhaps. But he was like the coolest person for me at that time! He made me in love with one of the beatles songs called ‘I Wanna Hold Your Hand’. I asked my friend to be in the front crowd with me when he was singing at our school. I’m not going to sugarcoat everything, his band was a disaster. But at least they got that confidence and style (my old-self thought so). The night after his performance at school, I dare myself for the first time to talk to him, and he replied with such kind answers, and he even asked me “Why don’t you sleep?” cause it was almost midnight. That one sentence made me couldn’t sleep the whole night because I was thinking about things that might happen the next day, and I couldn’t stop smiling until my friend called me weird in the morning when I couldn’t focus in math class. But I understand it now that he was treating me like a fan and he was only being kind (all of my crushes do I swear) as I could see it from the next day when I heard that he got back with his beautiful (and super hot) ex-girlfriend right after the night we talked.

Alright that’s it for today. I had so much fun telling you these things. I love this first letter of mine because you will be able to understand me from the way I write. So recklessly, but carefully. So brutally, but honest. I love my writings. Because when I tell you stories, you’ll listen to me. When I tell you dreams about me flying, you’ll fly with me. But when I tell you that it’s all just in my imagination, you’ll also fall with me. And you can’t argue with me. Because every word I type here reflects me, and you can’t change me. And I hope you don’t get upset with any gramatical errors I made because that’s not the thing I’m trying to show you here.

Thank you for listening, I think we would be such good friends.

love always,

deena