Journal

a memory in the back of my thoughts has no power to hurt me

my friend asked,
“when you click that number
and you heard that voice,
what do you expect?
what do you want him to say?
to help you?
to comfort you?
to go above and beyond protect you,
and take all of the words that he poured?
let alone, to be soft to you?”

the sad thing is—sometimes we all have these buried expectations at the back of our minds for people, and we don’t even know that they (those thoughts) exist in the first place.

and it’s just expectations.

so now listen to me.

he’s not going to help you.
he’s not going to comfort you
he’s not going to go above and beyond to protect you,
nor take all of the words that he carelessly poured to hurt people.
he’s not going to be soft to you.
and deep down you know.
you know.
so now tell me.
when you click that number,
and his voice replied.
you’ve been asking this to yourself.
what is it really that you’re looking for?

Journal

a love letter: being my own muse

she knows how to love.

but she always gets so hesitant when it comes to show a little affection and some understanding to herself. she knows how to kindly respond people that are a little too evil sometimes, but she always believes that everyone is good when you really try to see them.

as she begins to say, “if i were in their shoes..”

she has a thousand words ready to be thrown from her pocket, never takes another second to paint someone’s else day with whatever colors you like. she writes about the good things that she wants other people to feel. she wakes up a little early or takes some time of her bed time to write you the words that could bring you to sleep with a content heart. she’s not asking for a reply. just a nod and a smile and sometimes a phone call could already make her feel seen and it’s more than enough.

as she begins to shake, “is this a little too much?”

she never takes anyone else’s failures to feel better about herself. she’s a full time lover. she finds it hard to quit a love that’s grown apart from her sometimes. she’s a friend. she still tries to be a better friend. she always tries to be there for everyone, to be present. she wants to find more love songs this year, it’s the only thing her heart desires.

as she begins to cry.

i wish nothing more for her than to take few steps back and listen to whatever emotions that she feels right now. i want her to know that she still hasn’t felt all the emotions in the world, and that she still hasn’t found all of the songs that she might love if she hears it in her favorite coffee shop. i want her to understand that there’s a day that it’s not yesterday, today, or tomorrow, but there will be a day where she will feel understood again. there are so many things that she still needs to learn. to be open. to be brave. to believe in herself more. to be a better lover. and the list goes on and on.

but starting from today, i also want her to understand that she, too, can be a little softer to herself.

i know that i’ve had my ups and downs loving you, cheering for you.

but i’m always going to give it a try.

Journal · Poems · Short Stories

when you see this, call me.

sometimes i just wish in the morning i opened my phone, your texts would be the first thing that i read. right now, i can’t believe that there was a time when such thing even happened. i’m sorry i let you down. so many fucking times. i’m sorry i let my insecurities win sometimes. they told me i’m not ready for love. and maybe i am? cause when it’s real–it seems scary. but not with you, never with you. when you sit next to me, i can’t help but wonder what you’re feeling. do you feel cold? are you happy? what’s bothering you? does sitting next to me make you feel uncomfortable? and the list goes on and on. and you, still, have no idea. muse comes and go. muse comes and go. do they? mine hasn’t been gone since 2 and a half years. sometimes i think screw it. maybe the next time i fall in love with people, i should focus more on their appearances. for the hopeless reason that is, so that i can get over them easily. i’m mad. i’m so mad, but also so in love. wasn’t that the purpose? wasn’t that what i wanted to do this whole year? but God, i love when you’re around. and please don’t tell me that you’re not happy. cause that makes me want to bring the whole world to your feet. i want to see you happy. i want to protect you, even when you clearly don’t need it. they remind me of you, and i remind them of you. and now i just laughed it off. sometimes i act like i see the answers written on your face. then i go home telling everyone that you finally love me back. that finally after all this time i could stop listening to those songs that really hurt me. since they’re actually the ones that could stop myself from hoping. i’ll listen to them again and put my phone on my chest as if i could engrave the lyrics down to my skin. i need them, but i need you more. i need us alone. when you see this, call me.

Journal

20

it’s been a while since i’ve written one of these and it makes me very nervous about this one but let it be. it’s still for the same reasons, i always tend to write when i have something really bothers my mind and i should let it out somewhere. so here it is. usually i go for poetry so i can spill things out and letting people have a guess of what i’m writing about and it’s more fun that way because people these days act like they know everything about someone’s life. trust me, you don’t. but that’s not what i’m doing tonight. i want this to be as transparent as possible and i want you to feel the same.

that last sentense made me giggle cause i still remember 3 or 4 years ago i wrote the same thing and i wanted that person not to feel the same. if you wondered about what i was talking that time–it was about my close friend wanting to be the same thing as who i wanted to be and i wanted her to stop. right now it sounds pretty stupid, if i could go back and tell my old self, “you both are gonna end up in different places, you don’t have to worry about what God has planned for you two, please be quiet and enjoy the process.”

if only you knew, right?

if you’re wondering about my heart, she is physically fine, it’s not hurting or anything. you know it’s the holidays season again. when the academic life starts i’m basically pretty emotionless, that’s why i find it sometimes hard to write, but on days like this when i have so much free time to think about things, it’s so bizarre. sometimes i wake up at 3 am (and by wake up i mean i haven’t gone to bed) and suddenly my mind whispered to me about the cute and little embarrassing thing that happened between me and my friend. we were getting ready for our lecture at that time and i decided to go with him even when our friends started to make those stupid noises again.

when we were almost arrived at our study place–it started raining so hard and we had to find a place to stop and find a shelter. God, i hate rain so much. i know it’s a blessing and you shouldn’t say things like that, but trust me i love rain when i’m at home and all wrapped in my blanket with a cup of hot tea. just not like this. when we were trying to find a place to shelter, we couldn’t find it because there were no roofs or a parking garage or anything and there was only this big tree beside the road.

 

“should we stop here?” he asked, louder this time cause he knew there was no way i could hear him when it rained that hard.

 

“yeah i think we should.”

 

and there we were, waiting for the rain to stop under the big tree.

 

after like 15 minutes.

 

“will it stop?” i asked, kind of whisphered.

 

“i don’t know…” he mumbled.

 

3 minutes later.

 

“you know what? let’s just keep going, cause we’re not even protecting ourselves here.”

 

he said then he laughed a little.

 

“i know!”

 

i giggled.

 

the tree was big but it didn’t have those many leafs to protect us from the rain, so even there was only drizzling that hit our heads–the longer we stayed–the more soaking wet we got.

 

and i laughed thinking about it. we were so stupid.

 

i think that was the first time i ever loved rain when i was spending time outside.

 

i think my friend was sad at that time, i asked him why, but he didn’t look like he wanted to talk about it and softly convinced me that he was fine. but hearing him laughed a little that time made me forget about my worries. it’s sad that some people don’t really know how to express their emotions properly (read: me), and sometimes i envy those people who are so brave crying in public, and then their other friends will be like “don’t worry–she’s fine. it’s just one of those days.” i want it to be normal like that. i wish we could let ourselves get overwhelmed with those feelings and having people who understand it around us, that would be so nice. especially for boys. i practically said this everywhere, but i really admire those boys who are in touch with their feelings. admitting that they cried while watching ‘how to train your dragon’ movie, saying that they’re annoyed with how some people act, or getting mad for the things that they believe in. keeping all your cool when you’re completely bothered in a situation is going out of style. as cheesy as it is–your emotions are demanded to be felt. nothing less. you’re just like the rest of us. please be nice to your own head. you’re the only person who can take care of that place.

i’ve been loving the song called ‘happy’ that one of my favorite artists has just released. the song itself talks about moving on and to stop holding on to grudges and letting go. my friend from high school told me that in college we will meet a lot of people who are not meant to stay in our life. they’ll just come and teach you some lessons and then leave. then one way or another you have to get used to that. i’m having a hard time believing that people could grew apart and just cut ties. how could you go from randomly sending things that only both of you will laugh at to not even glancing at each other in the hallways? it’s pretty cruel i think. it isn’t supposed to hurt this much if you weren’t taking it to heart in the first place. but love, what can i say? my heart was specifically made for loving and any chance that i get to love someone then i will do it without a doubt of heart and don’t get me wrong, i’m not regretting any love that i gave. i just hate anything that comes in between.

i was listening to taylor swift’s begin again couple days ago and somehow felt this weird sudden strong emotion and cried. it reminds me of the tough things i went through last year and how we’re gonna move on into a new year, and like what they say, to start a new chapter and it made me feel like a bag full of emotions that was ready to explode. i said this before that i’ve never been so excited for a year to end and well here it is! the most important thing that last year taught me is how everything is temporary and everything can be taken away from you in a short period of time. i lost someone so dear to me last year and though i still can’t wrap my head around it because everytime i came home i still think that i might see him and find a purpose to do what i do again. i do believe that he’s still here guiding me every step of the way. last year i also learned that you don’t have to get used with how badly people have treated you, because there are for sure so many people out there who will take care of your heart just as much as you care about theirs.

i don’t know how to properly say this but last year was also the year where i thought i was going to die (like, forreal). that was one of the most horrible things that ever happened to me, and all i wanted to say about that situation is please speak up when you think something is wrong with your body. it’s not only about your physical health that i’m referring to but it’s also about taking care of your mental health. if you’re gonna love harder this year then you’re gonna need to take care of yourself. reach out to someone when you need help and i know it might be hard to see it, but you’re the least alone person in the room. that one big problem that you have in your head maybe can be solved with a simple talk. who knows? there must be some ways to end those sleepless nights.

as simple as it sounds, this year i’m looking forward to find more love songs and i would like to be very much in love. i don’t mind if that’s just going to be me putting a face mask on every single day or listening to that same song over and over because it has the perfect lyrics that i really need to hear from someone else or buying more sticky notes that i will use on my bullet journal. i don’t care if that’s just going to be me. i’m really down for it.

taylor said she’s been spending her last couple of years with doing the things that people said she “couldn’t do” but this year, she’s looking forward to do whatever she wants. i’m looking forward to do the same thing. not to mention that i’m also looking forward to hear the new re-recorded version of the song ‘enchanted’ and listening to that song for the first time all over again. the stories that i have in my head about that song, the good parts, they will always stay.

i think it’s also worth-mentioning that i’m still on fire for the things that keep me up at night, but i can’t write them down here because not all people are gonna be supportive of those things and that’s fine. as long as you hold it close to your heart and you give all you got. i think i’m right at where i’m heading.

and we’ll start running from here.

 

i’m so sleepy, but thank you for listening. i hope your day is great and your heart isn’t as sore as mine. please take care and i’ll see you again very soon.

 

love always,

 

deena

 

Journal · Short Stories

it’s in the mornings: where my heart aches.

It’s the mornings that I hate the most. The times where I don’t even need to teach myself how to feel numb. He did it again, I whispered to myself as I looked to the ceiling and wondered why I never learned from the last time he did this. I still don’t know how you managed to do that. I don’t know what you meant by doing and saying all the things that you did or said the night or the day before that. I wish I knew you, I wish I wish I wish, that’s what I always said.

It all started in January.

Continue reading “it’s in the mornings: where my heart aches.”