Journal

things i learned in 2017 (self-love, setting boundaries and some other things)

You can call it all an accident

You can call it all you want

But I’ve got stories, I will write

I’ve got truth, I will tell

A girl like me, don’t waste no time

I don’t want you to be afraid

Just a little nervous

is enough

//

Continue reading “things i learned in 2017 (self-love, setting boundaries and some other things)”

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Journal

I don’t promise you that I’ll be okay this time. In fact, I never did

It disgusts me that some people might think that I'm doing fine – and it disgusts me even more that some people might think the otherwise. I have been spending all the time that I have trying to find some peace and quiet in my mind. If you ask me why, I don't know. This time I really don't know. Dreams? Last hope? Lies? Truth? Expectations? Reality? I guess everything is just not where it should be. And thank you for all those people who might think that I'm not doing fine – but the truth is the world doesn't need more people like you. The world doesn't need more people who see life through their rose-tinted glasses either. She doesn't need us. We could just destroy ourselves. After all.

One of my friends from the course that I used to go to talked to me few days ago. Been quite a long time. He asked me of where I went. Fast forward – he did bring me down. Isn't it nice how a person who barely talked to you at all decide how you’re gonna end without even trying to know at least a piece of the story? I'm not letting them to see the ending – oh no – I just needed them to be nice. Isn’t that what the world needs? But when you do it you have to make sure that you don’t end up making people think that it's okay to bring others down.

 

Is it enough to breathe?

 

Is it enough to die?

 

Is there a pity for the plain girl?

 

I have been trying to keep myself busy reading books, listening to music, reading other people's writings or even their journals. I've been loving my escapes. And I feel afraid. Cause I really loved and hated the time I was out there living out of my comfort zone and I feel the need to be afraid that I won't let myself grow. You see – it's just I love me – and I miss me. But for now I need anything to keep me away from thinking about what's going on around me. Anything to stop me from thinking. I don't know if I could bear the thoughts this time. I don't know if I could go out there again and start it all over. I don't know if I wanted this. I could've chosen the alternatives. So obsessed thinking of what might happen if I take it another way. And of course I do deserve it. That is the main reason why I’m telling you this. And I’ll let you do whatever you want. Judge me. Bring me down. You should've. You could've. This time I promise I'll let myself down.

 

Because I know

 

I

 

let

 

people

 

down.

 

And I care.

 

As much as I said how much I don't care you know I do

 

I feel like I know what Chris Martin meant when he wrote the line

 

"when you get what you want, but not what you need."

 

In fact that’s exactly how I want to feel. It's nice to finally know what exactly you're feeling other than having no clue at all.

 

There was a time back then where I asked one of my friends "Have you ever been in one of those days, where you feel nothing at all? Like you're not happy, you're not sad. It's just blank. Empty. You just keep on craving for a feeling."  she said she’s been there and she also said that it wasn't a good thing at all. It's better to feel – but like I said to you earlier, my friend, I don't know if I could bear the thoughts this time.

 

But I do now.

 

And my friend, have you ever craved for a place like – home – but when you're supposed to be there, you're not really there?

 

is there something more?

 

that could somehow belongs to me?

 

out there?

 

I told them to cry themselves out tonight. I told them to just let all the stars and the moon watch them being honest with themselves – with how they need feel. I told them that there is nothing as beautiful as letting yourself feel like how a human being should be.

 

Lost.

 

Terrified.

 

Craving for place so warm yet such thing won't exist unless you let it be

 

Journal

March 30, 2017 at 2:03 pm

It hurt but okay what’s new

I came to this realization where some days things are just worse than it could ever be, and here goes the plot twist; they won’t go as organized as you planned either. That some days you just get hit in the face by an ugly truth that makes your heart breaks in silence and nobody hears you screaming or even notice that you’re bleeding inside.

I’m still me, the same 14 years old girl who was so depressed about not being able to meet the only people that I love every day in my life and only get to see them every two weeks in 6 months. I’m still the girl who asked why we paint our skies blue if we capture it as a sad color and still trying her best to believe that for whatever reasons it can lead us to something beautiful.

This time yesterday I was thinking: How did I lose everything?

And I didn’t get any answers to that.

It got me wondering, did I?

Truth is, I lost count on how many times I caught myself saying, “I miss the old me,” but then nothing really makes sense to me anymore.

 

How can I even miss my old-self when I don’t even know who I was?

Journal

May 31, 2016 at 8:22 pm

Hello.

It’s been a while. Finally my routine lets me to take some rest. 

I loved the night flights. It was really awesome just seeing the night clouds and listening to some calming songs with my headset. I got to get home with my mother. I still got scared every time the plane took off, but I never told anyone. I hugged myself by putting my hands around my stomach, pretending it was cold, and little by little closing my eyes. I wish there was a hand to hold but people just don’t hold hands anymore. There was a baby sitting in front of me with her/his parents and I still don’t know whether it’s a he or she but what I knew that night was how cute she/he really was. When she/he looked back and looked at our seats, she/he even smiled. Unlike other babies, she/he didn’t cry during the flight. My mother gave him/her some chocolates and her/his mother said “You’re so kind! thank you,” and seriously it was such a nice thing to hear. Definitely a better thing to hear rather than this man who looked like he was in his thirties and he was pretty mad because a very old lady behind him asked him to walk faster cause he blocked the line. I hate anger, really. I hate hearing people fighting. I hate knowing that the man let anger took control of him. I hate knowing that even though little, he’s going to regret all things that he said in front of everyone that night.

I don’t know what to write, honestly. I have so many things on my mind but I don’t know how to start. Besides, I have a cold. I really want to get better but I also can’t resist the cold drink that my dad always bought when he came home. I really want to write because things that I’m thinking right now really bother me. I think you should know that.

My heart hurts. And I need some sleep.

love always,

deena

Journal

Been here before

I’ve been here before.

I’ve been here right? 

those times where it felt like everyone was doubting me / no one was helping / and what it’s like to feel completely unsure and scared of what’s gonna come.

these things are very similar to me and I know I haven’t prepared so much for these. You know, those times when you have to prepare for everything and got no time to just physically and mentally prepare for something bigger than yourself. it hurt me, I guess. I know no one promised me that everything will turn out great and exactly like how I planned it to be. In fact, I hate when they said those things. one should really learn what they meant when they said “You will be alright” cause if we exchanged our position, would you be alright too?

I’m always learning…. something new every day. Already sick of these new beginnings and seeing the endings that I won’t even get the chance to taste it. Like I said, I’ve been here before. And just like the last time, He got something prepared for me. Something bigger than myself.

And I’ll be there.

Cause I’ve been here before.

Journal

Setelah ini, biarkanlah aku tertidur. Kumohon.

Malam tadi aku tak kunjung bisa tertidur. Susah sekali untuk melakukannya dan hal ini sering terjadi. Namun, kali ini aku benar-benar ingin membicarakannya. Kau tahu? sebenarnya aku bahkan sama sekali tak mencoba untuk tertidur. Ataupun bermimpi. Sedetik pun.

Lebih baik kutuliskan disini dan berbagi denganmu. Aku tak akan membicarakan betapa sulit dan membosankannya ketika aku tak bisa tertidur. Sungguh. Aku hanya ingin berbagi cerita denganmu dan mungkin kau merasakan hal yang sama denganku. Mungkin kita sama. Kalimat terakhir itu membuatku ingin muntah dan tak ingin melanjutkan paragraf yang sudah kurangkai ini. Oh, diamlah.

Lebih baik kita membicarakan tentang mimpi. Kau, temanku, pasti familiar dengan kata lima huruf itu. Kata yang begitu sederhana, namun bisa membuat seseorang menari-nari kegirangan seperti sudah gila, ataupun sebaliknya, tak bisa tidur dengan bantal yang sembab seperti diriku malam tadi. Mimpi, menurut website yang baru saja kubaca adalah sesuatu yang terlihat atau dialami dalam tidur; angan angan. Sesungguhnya itu bahkan tak menjelaskan apapun. Menurutku mereka harus segera menghapus pengertian itu karena itu sama sekali tidak benar.

Dulu, aku suka bermimpi. Sejak kecil, aku suka membayangkan hal-hal aneh. Tidak seaneh anak yang dikurung di ruangan kecil di bawah tangga dan suka membayangkan dunia penuh sihir itu, setidaknya. Aku hanya suka membayangkan hal-hal yang sedikit lebih baik dari yang kulihat saat ku membuka mata. Realitas, mereka bilang. Aku tahu tidak ada yang lebih buruk dari ‘lebih memilih berkabung di dalam mimpimu dan tidak melakukan apa-apa’ atau dengan kata lain menggunakan ‘masa depan’ sebagai jalan keluar, tapi, hei! umurku lima tahun saat itu.

Ditambah lagi aku bukanlah salah satu dari anak berumur lima tahun itu. Ketika mereka ditanya, “Kau mau jadi apa?” dan mereka menjawab dengan semangat pertanyaan itu, memberitahu dunia akan mimpi-mimpi mereka yang lugu itu. Dengan wajah berbinar dan kedua mata penuh harapan, seakan ada sekelompok bintang yang selalu siap sedia dan rela terjatuh setiap mereka membisikkan mimpi-mimpi itu, yang membuat orang-orang sekelilingnya tertawa dan menjawab, “Kau akan menjadi orang yang hebat!”

Sudah kubilang, aku bukan salah satu dari mereka.

Atau hanya itulah yang kuingat. Aku tak pernah tahu apa yang aku sukai. Sungguh. Namun tentu aku menjawab pertanyaan mereka, dengan jawaban yang kupikir akan mereka sukai. Tentu aku tidak memikirkannya, mereka pun sama. Karena waktu itu aku berumur 5 tahun, dan mereka tahu lebih banyak dariku, dan tidak berniat memberi tahu kami, kumpulan anak berumur 5 tahun, tentang sesuatu yang kami harap kami ketahui sebelumnya. Walaupun terlalu dini untuk itu. Namun, itulah dia: kejujuran.

Sekarang, aku masih suka bermimpi. Tentu saja. Dibesarkan dengan buku-buku yang memiliki awal yang menyedihkan, pertengahan yang membingungkan, dan akhir yang mengharukan, membuatku tahu betul bagaimana caranya untuk berharap. Bahwa segalanya akan baik-baik saja, kau hanya harus berjuang dan menunggu, berjuang dan menunggu. Bahwa jika semua tak berjalan dengan baik, itu bukanlah akhir dari segalanya. Namun aku akan mengatakannya, sekarang. Aku harap kau, temanku, sedang berumur lima tahun. Aku akan memberitahumu bahwa buku-buku itu juga adalah pembohong besar. Sama seperti orang-orang yang berbicara tadi. Mereka mengajarkan kami untuk berharap, namun tak memperingatkan kami bahwa bersama bintang-bintang yang ingin mengabulkan impian kami itu, kami pun bisa terjatuh.