In My Dreams I Stopped Talking to You

you in my dreams
a little different this time
furious, woke up, then told a friend
“get a hold of yourself!”
one thing that i was sure of
was that i didn’t want to see your face

thinking of how it’s been weeks
since i don’t talk of you
it’s kind of funny
the song you sent to hurt me
has been putting me to sleep lately
friday nights sharing my favorite music
put them in a box and a ribbon on top
so they don’t have to remind me
of some overlooked 11:11 messages
so the stories could continue
so they don’t have to tell about me
not anymore

one finneas song and a smile
i was too naïve
you were against everything i used to believe
i was so obsessed of running away
but luckily these days
i looked at the past in all sincerity
got the warmth that i needed
reassurance that i wanted
all this time alone has reminded me
of how i’ve always wanted to feel
i never got those things
when you were beside me

i don’t know why it took so much time
to simply understand
that you’re bad for my heart
as you were the one
who was always waiving all the signs
“but i can’t feel your energy,
no more,
no more,
no more.”

for all the circles that i kept
for all the sisters i have
aliyah comes by and sits around
you would swear that girl can read your mind
she figures it out before you sometimes
and she writes,
“when you find yourself,
thinking about it again
don’t beat yourself up
you haven’t failed
it’s because you memorized the book,
every paragraph, all by heart. “

i’ve let myself down a lot in love
but all my efforts do count
i waited so patiently this time
track one lover
sounds more of a sweet triumph
all the sentimental parts
were necessary to keep us alive
and i will tell you that
nothing’s done with love
will ever be a waste of time
and the ones with the bigger hearts
have never lost in a battle like mine


a tragic undercover; ruthless love.

do stars have feelings?

a thousands of great things
and i still wonder how you feel
a thousand of possibilities
and i still wonder how you feel
a thousand of fallen angels
and i still wonder how you feel

it’s sad how you don’t let me see
how you see anymore
i still mull over it
when my best friend had her birthday
her unrequited love gave her a gift
me and my friends
and our interpretations
you said, no, no
“why do girls think too much?
why are you too much?”
sure that’s what you meant
start from there i wonder how you think
about me and my pen
but that’s just how i love
didn’t i promise,
once i choose to love you
you would never die?

i wish i was better
at illustrating my feelings
cause when i saw you
makes me feel like
i’m the worst at doing it
my english just don’t justifiable
i can’t write in bahasa anymore
i don’t wonder how’s japan
those cherry blossoms
better be blooming away
and those 10th may messages
i forgot they were still there.

hands were in your pocket
something on your mind
finally made a sound,
“how about those 5 am calls?”
i’m not interested
is the best way that i can put out.
a waste of time.
tedious uncertainties.
he can leave and ask the moon
all the things i frequently told about you
over and over
about you, and only you.

spent a great of time convincing
things that don’t even matter
but you, on the other hand
casually let her touch your hand
always had a hand
in handcrafting the rumors
about me.
or is that only your way to run away?
is that your way to convince me
that you don’t feel the same?

feeling spaced out short a while ago
i shared some old wound secrets
as i told the story, i realized
our love is vociferous
when i start to play our favorite songs
and when i don’t hear them
playing in place that i treasure
we’re still just friends

been playing “better off” on repeat
sometimes i think it’s cruel
you could think of a person so much
while they don’t even count you as real
foolishly smiling for some reasons
that they do on accident
or was it always an accident?
a coincidence?

how does it feel
to be loved so much
and admired from afar?
tired of dreaming things about you
waking up with nothing
we’re not even talking
i wonder
why two people have to be separated
when all both want to do is to love?
well at least one of them.

heard you’re in love with a liar
hope she knows how lucky she is
for knowing you since little
for being loved by a person so real
and lastly for being so good at lying
her counterfeit actions
told you that she doesn’t feel it
while you’d find me sitting there,
head over heels in love
cause you’re so easy to be loved
you’re so easy to be loved.

as we looked down the sunset
the skies were so pretty
i wrote something for you
you seemed to really enjoy,
you seemed happy.
as you told me, “this gonna hurt so bad”
you, will hurt me, so bad.”
but you’ll never know
you might never know.

Journal · Poems · Short Stories

when you see this, call me.

sometimes i just wish in the morning i opened my phone, your texts would be the first thing that i read. right now, i can’t believe that there was a time when such thing even happened. i’m sorry i let you down. so many fucking times. i’m sorry i let my insecurities win sometimes. they told me i’m not ready for love. and maybe i am? cause when it’s real–it seems scary. but not with you, never with you. when you sit next to me, i can’t help but wonder what you’re feeling. do you feel cold? are you happy? what’s bothering you? does sitting next to me make you feel uncomfortable? and the list goes on and on. and you, still, have no idea. muse comes and go. muse comes and go. do they? mine hasn’t been gone since 2 and a half years. sometimes i think screw it. maybe the next time i fall in love with people, i should focus more on their appearances. for the hopeless reason that is, so that i can get over them easily. i’m mad. i’m so mad, but also so in love. wasn’t that the purpose? wasn’t that what i wanted to do this whole year? but God, i love when you’re around. and please don’t tell me that you’re not happy. cause that makes me want to bring the whole world to your feet. i want to see you happy. i want to protect you, even when you clearly don’t need it. they remind me of you, and i remind them of you. and now i just laughed it off. sometimes i act like i see the answers written on your face. then i go home telling everyone that you finally love me back. that finally after all this time i could stop listening to those songs that really hurt me. since they’re actually the ones that could stop myself from hoping. i’ll listen to them again and put my phone on my chest as if i could engrave the lyrics down to my skin. i need them, but i need you more. i need us alone. when you see this, call me.


i don’t know why i keep using “i love you” and “i’m sorry” in the same sentence

the first conspicuous october fight
the first inescapable conversation we had
the truth was painted on our eyes
or at least mine
my chest felt so heavy
carrying all the weight
from the things i had to say
the weight, we could’ve shared

my dry lips failed to lie to you
so you brought me a drink
i told you i wasn’t tired
distance between our shoulders
just didn’t make any sense
but i just wanted to sit next to you
few more giggles, i said.
few more laughters, i’d beg.

spent the rest of the night talking
we were there, just there
and it was enough
you were so irresistible
and i was delicate
the dim parking spots confused me
of whether you wanted me
or you were just cold
and wanted to smoke somewhere else

the papers i crumbled had other things to say
i don’t want you sit next to me
on days you haven’t read my texts
i don’t want you sit next to me
on chairs you didn’t even glance
i don’t want you sit next to me
on some purpose for some other girls
i don’t want you sit next to me
when you’re not so sure

i never told them what bothers me anymore
getting so used seeing them rolling their eyes
they’d come closer
received my “u deserve so much better” cards
put them in the jar
then got rid of them all
didn’t i?

now in the bright parking spots
i know what i saw
people not so sure nor sincere
getting way too close
i’m at loss for words at their excuses
stupid excuses to hold my hand
and i won’t say the words
that i don’t feel
i’d rather take it slow
and wait for you in the hallways

two seconds longer
only you can make me smile for hours
those small talks
“not really” i said, kind of shocked.
little do you know
how careful i’d be with your heart
because i love you, and i know
that’s not a thing to be sorry for